Misplaced Identity

When I was a little girl I couldn’t wait to grow up, there was nothing that I wanted more than to be an adult. I knew exactly who I would be, and what I would like to do with my life.  I thought being an adult meant I could have fun doing whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t seem to factor in the parts about working, or being completely responsible for myself, and let’s not forget the part about paying my own bills!

As a kid I only imagined having fun as an adult, going to cool places and having nice things. However, it didn’t take me long to discover that my dreams need a financier and that was going to be me! If I wanted nice things I was going to have to work hard to pay for them and if I wanted to travel to cool places I had to pay for them.

So, I did what most people do after high school, I went to college and I chose a major that I thought would be a good fit for me. I majored in secondary English education and I loved every moment of teaching and being in the classroom. I really truly enjoyed teaching and I loved working with my students. And yet, here I am not doing that! My life went in a whole other direction, and I can’t say that I’m upset about that.

If someone would have asked me six weeks ago if I still wanted to teach some day I would have said, “Of course!” I actually still planned to get a job teaching in a few years. Partially because I thought that I had to teach because that’s what my degree was in and I kind of felt like I had no other options. However, I recently started thinking about other things that I want to try and the thought of doing something so totally different from what I originally wanted actually gave me butterflies and scared me at the same time. I was excited about reinventing myself, but then I immediately thought, “What if it’s too late to try something so new? Am I too old to learn new things?”

I don’t know how a person can be excited and afraid to try at the same time but I definitely was. I don’t know if you guys are like this, but I sometimes have to hurry up and do something, otherwise I might talk myself out of it! I have to sit myself down sometimes and give myself a good old fashion pep talk and encourage myself. I told myself that I have grown and matured and that I’m allowed to want something different. People can change. They can reinvent themselves as often as they want to, there’s no age limit on growth. It’s hard to imagine stepping outside of the walls that I built for myself, but I’m ready for a change in my life.

I won’t be doing anything wild and crazy, but for me this is still a surprise. I even shocked my husband, which is hard to do by the way. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a momma rut and all my days just run together. I do the same thing day in and day out. I am such a predictable person, I shop at the same stores, I wear the same clothes, my favorite lipstick hasn’t changed in years! I have to get some freshness back into my routine. I feel like a person who has lost their joy for living. Don’t get me wrong I’m not depressed, just boring!

Somewhere along the way between getting married and having children I lost my fire. I’ve fallen into a very comfortable existence and I just can’t live another second in my beige world anymore. I was beginning to think of myself as only my children’s mother or my husband’s wife, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore and my inner adventurous self shouted out, “Your name is TORRE!!!” I was tired of being one dimensional.

That’s when I woke up and said to myself, ” I gotta get outa here!” I realized that I had buried myself in a box labeled old me! I literally woke up one day and said I want to have interest and hobbies besides taking long walks through Costco and changing a diaper without getting my seat dirty in the truck! I finally see that I can’t completely blot out my own desires and still be a great Mom. I actually need to have joy that is separate from being a wife and mother.

I honestly feel like the last person in the world to get this concept, but I want to hear from you! How long did it take you Ladies to realize that Mother and Wife should not, and could not, be all that you are? Tell me about it in the comment section!